When You Think You're in a Toxic Relationship, It May Not Be The Other Person's Fault

It’s easy to blame our wife when the relationship turns toxic, but the truth is that it may not always be her fault. We can get caught up in a cycle of toxic behavior without even meaning to, blaming our wife for the issues in our relationship when it may actually be the us who are causing them.

How To Break The Cycle Of Negative Behavior

To break out of this cycle, we must first recognize that we are sometimes to blame—and then look inward and make changes accordingly. This process can be uncomfortable, but it will ultimately lead to greater self-awareness and healthier relationships. But you must be willing to confront some hard truths about yourself.

When it comes to identifying situations where you may have contributed to toxicity in your relationships, start by considering why you feel like or know something is wrong. Is it because your wife isn’t meeting your expectations? Or perhaps you're not meeting hers? Or are you feeling disconnected from her on an emotional level?

How Do You Contribute To These Negative Patterns?

What are you doing in the relationship that is causing your wife’s recoil and subsequent emotional withdrawal? When answering these questions, think about how both of your behaviors have contributed—not just her own. Remember, a relationship takes two. And a covenant marriage should require two people to become more holy in their lives, which requires personal sacrifice, especially when it comes to sin. 

Take a closer look at any unhealthy patterns you find yourself engaging in—such as arguing excessively, acting passive-aggressively, or worse engaging in destructive behaviors or habits that degrade the emotional connection—and consider why these unhealthy patterns play out in this way. Are there underlying causes that you need to address with yourself? Any underlying issues that you need to address with her about yourself? Perhaps the answer to breaking the negative cycle is how you respond (rather than react). Are you responding in love and gentleness? Believe it or not, this approach has an emotional component that makes your wife feel heard and validated. Are you listening?

Maybe there are emotions beneath the surface, such as fear or insecurity, that need to be confronted and understood better before they contribute further damage. Ask yourself how you're contributing to such a heightened negative emotional state in the marriage? What can or should you change about yourself to keep from entering unhealthy spiraling patterns? 

Do You Get Defensive? Why?

An important step in breaking unhealthy cycles of toxicity is noticing if your defenses go up when having a difficult conversation with your wife; this could include making jokes, deflecting rather than having an honest dialogue about the issues at hand, or casting blame rather than listening and trying to understand why your partner is telling you something that you'd prefer not listen to.

If this type of behavior persists, acknowledge what role you play in causing it so you can work through these feelings instead of avoiding them. If your partner is telling you something that you don't want to hear and you make it clear that you don't want to hear it by playing "defense," good chances are that you're not acknowledging some aspect of the truth about yourself. And therefore you’re discounting your wife’s feelings and leaving her feeling isolated. As a husband, this is contributing to a lack of safety and security in the marriage, and she may feel like she cannot trust you or connect with you emotionally…hence the recoil and withdrawal. 

Have Set Boundaries

Finally, keep in mind that being open and vulnerable with someone else doesn't always mean they will accept you unconditionally—but don't use this as an excuse for retreating into old patterns of negative behavior which only serve to worsen conflicts between you both. Instead, create boundaries that respect everyone's needs while still allowing healthy connections and communication between you two.

Conclusion

It takes courage to accept responsibility for our role in creating toxic dynamics within relationships—but by doing so we become more aware of our behavior and how it affects others around us. Being able to look back and acknowledge where things went wrong and how you have contributed to this toxicity empowers us with the knowledge that we can then use to build or strengthen healthier relationships going forward.

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